Thursday, April 01, 2010


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How I Do It -- Tips From An Utterly Useless Life

Yesterday was just the most perfectest day and given the current mood in this country of doom, gloom and constipated spending, I thought I would pass along some life lessons which work for me and hopefully will work for you and stimulate the economy at the same time:) Most people think I am ignorant and a compulsive spender, but little do they know I actually spend very little money, that is why I have so much and can live such a useless life -- and my economic practices encourage others to spend money thereby stimulating the sluggish how smart is that.

Yesterday, I woke up after a refreshing sleep (Ambien is so helpful -- just swipe a couple pills from your insomniac friends or rifle the sample drawer at your doctor's office), and made the most delicious cup of coffee. I brewed Starbucks Extreme Edgy Urban Decay and then subjected exactly 8 oz. to the frothy steamer on my cappuccino machine. Divine:) (I sip it through one of those teeny tiny plastic stirrers so my artificially white teeth are exposed to the minimal amount of contact with the staining beverage -- stock up on these for free at your local coffee hut.)

I brushed my teeth with Khiel's Extra Extra Whitening Tooth Gel which always perks up my smile and is so affordable if you swipe the un-used tubes from your friend's homes...mine never seem to notice. I checked the progress of my crow's feet and noted they had retreated another .000001 millimeter --YAHOO! The best treatment for crow's feet is La Prarie Creme de la D'Argent, it is tres expensive so again, use your friends...I simply carry a small jar in my purse so that I can swipe a dollop, I do not recommend swiping the whole jar as some people seem to have a problem admitting they misplaced the $300 jar and may become overly suspicious and/or territorial about you using their bathrooms.

After completing my "toilet" I consulted my stylist for wardrobe advice. I have a friend who downloaded the VOGUE stylist app on her IPhone - which allows her to interface with a VOGUE approved clothes jockey. My friend is very insecure about color and once paired a green polka dot chemise with purple tights...Quel Horror...I made sure she immediately downloaded this app -- friends do not let friends look stupid. Every morning I snap a pic of my outfit and email it to her asking if I look stupid, she runs it through the VOGUE stylist and emails me back the suggestions. Yesterday was a Missoni day paired with Manolos. I call it my M&M day...he he. This is one area where I most strenuously do not recommend swiping from friends but there is nothing wrong with borrowing clothes that are left at your house. Hopefully you are lucky like me and have friends who wear gorgeous clothes in your size and love to party until they pass out on your couch. This makes it very easy to remove the desired item of clothing and replace it with something old from your closet, a friend would not let a friend barf all over a Missoni! Wake your friend early to ensure a sufficiently wicked hang over and point to the plastic fake barf you placed on the floor telling her not to worry she must not be ashamed of barfing all over your priceless Oriental rug and please, please don't try to clean it up again, while pointing to the Missoni (partially laying under the plastic fake barf.) Have the cab waiting and push her out the door with air kisses and assurances that she can return your clothes later. This technique is good for at least one or two outfits per friend, depending upon their drinking habits and clothes budget - so don't push it. But, I do have one friend who is hopelessly wealthy and drunk, and doesn't even remember when she leaves her suitcases at my home! How lucky is that! (God, I hope LiLo doesn't read this.)

Then it was off for a day of shopping with a friend. My dear dear Alexandra Gordon, I have known her since my stay in rehab. She, unfortunately, recently lost her eyesight backstage in a concert accident...I can't share the details as there was a confidential settlement but to dispel any conjecture or speculation, I will say there were absolutely no drugs involved, not any drugs, at all, none, and I wasn't anywhere near her when it happened. As it is awfully hard to spend money you can't see and friends must help friends have it easier in life, the least I can do is spend it for her. We meet once a week and cruise the shops. I act as her eyes and accountant. She is truly a sweetheart and insists on paying my way.

I did get quite winded after all the getting in and out of the limo so Alexandra and I stopped by an exclusive spa tucked away in the corner of an old celebrity hideaway. (I would tell you the name but even I do not know it as it is members only but I will say the entrance is not a golden door or a bamboo Buddha.) We spent a relaxing four hours being rubbed, scrubbed, polished and shined, and called it a day. I loaded up my enormous handbag with all the small toiletry items stocking the locker room and this lovely little thingy (see picture above) which I will re-gift this Christmas.

Then it was back to the hacienda where I heated up the leftovers from lunch. When I am treated for lunch, I usually order a pasta dish with something else -- which I eat first, then after a few nibbles of the pasta, get it boxed up to take home as it reheats beautifully. Then it was time for the clubs where I drank other people's drinks while they danced (I recommend using your own straw, just tuck it away in your hair, everyone will think it is a hair accessory.) I usually run into one or two of my drunk friends, and depending upon what they are wearing, one will come back to my place where they pass out on the couch....

I hope you can make use some of my suggestions and have a wonderful day. MUHWAW MUHWAW (those are air kisses.)


Aoife.Troxel said...

Haha What a lifestyle...I wish it was mine (but I'm glad I'm not her friends. Hmmm...where did my La Prarie Creme de la D'Argent go?)

P.S. Word verification is indicating that the correct term for a woman like this is 'bingshe' :D

Joan Tucker said...

oh to be irresponsible; it makes me twitch. JT

Violet Cadburry said...

Aoife - luv it, are you sure it wasn't "blingshe"

Joan -- I think you must have been irresponsible before, do tell:)

spacedlaw said...


Tumblewords: said...

Hilarious! The concept of scavenging to produce a vividly upscale life is probably practiced by more than a few! I loved this read!

Catalyst said...

How funny! You are a trickster.

joanny said...

Clever, and funny,,,love it.


Brian Miller said...

lol. what a fun magpie...such is the life eh?

Mama Zen said...

You are hilarious!