Ha Ha Ha! I knew if I simply ignored this blog all the technical glitches would fix themselves. Last time I looked, my sidebars were floating above the posts and my photos were gargantuan hogging all the space. I am sure all of my three followers will be happy to know that I am still here. Can't wait to wake up tomorrow and check out all the lovely comments from my legion of followers. TTFN

Hello again, dear blogsters! I have been to hell and back in the last nine months and will tell all and sundry most everything about it, and the parts I won't fess up to will be couched in the treacle art of parody. Alas and Alack, my treasured D5000 was purloined by a most swarthy villian. I didn't witness the theft, however, only a swarthy villian would have failed to telephone me after having found my bulging NIKON camera case, and a person would have to be blind and fingertip-less to miss my business card so prominently attached to each side of the camera case -- and what blind person would steal a camera anyway, it couldn't possibly be within their line of sight. I also know my camera wasn't taken by a hurricane and deposited in the land of Oz, as I have consulted Tarot and eliminated that concern. So, no pics with this post. However, I did want to pass on some useful information...GO SEE THE KING'S SPEECH. Loved it. No gratuitous sex or violence, only the repressed British kind. And, when Colin Firth says "Fuck," I felt an immense thrill taking me back to the first time I screamed "Fuck." Wow, it was truly orgasmic. So, I am sending out my pictureless post into the oblivion of the cyberworld. Hello, anybody out there?

Just A Walk Away

When I host my pity parties, I know it is time to get up, get out and get going. I tell myself, just go for a walk. So much easier said than done. My 50th birthday present I gave to myself was a Nikon D5000, and that has made all the difference. Instead of walking in a funk, ruminating about my big ass, the dismal weather, stupid politicians, wars, careless drivers, the irritating pain in my right elbow, and whatever else is depressing or annoying, I now focus, literally, in the moment. Savor it, record it and take it home with me. I only live 10 minutes from the ocean but it has taken me 10 years to get to this place.

Sunset at Cardiff

The little black dots in the water are surfers, surfing the sun to bed. Too cold for me!

Sister William disapproved...my blue toenails were shameful, disrespectful and I am ordered to confess my vanity and pray for forgiveness. A very very bad thing to do. So what say you about this? (Still working out the 3D version so use your imagination.)

MAGPIE NUMERO EIGHT

Here's the latest...check out everybodys at http://magpietales.blogspot.com/.

How I Do It -- Tips From An Utterly Useless Life

Yesterday was just the most perfectest day and given the current mood in this country of doom, gloom and constipated spending, I thought I would pass along some life lessons which work for me and hopefully will work for you and stimulate the economy at the same time:) Most people think I am ignorant and a compulsive spender, but little do they know I actually spend very little money, that is why I have so much and can live such a useless life -- and my economic practices encourage others to spend money thereby stimulating the sluggish economy...now how smart is that.

Yesterday, I woke up after a refreshing sleep (Ambien is so helpful -- just swipe a couple pills from your insomniac friends or rifle the sample drawer at your doctor's office), and made the most delicious cup of coffee. I brewed Starbucks Extreme Edgy Urban Decay and then subjected exactly 8 oz. to the frothy steamer on my cappuccino machine. Divine:) (I sip it through one of those teeny tiny plastic stirrers so my artificially white teeth are exposed to the minimal amount of contact with the staining beverage -- stock up on these for free at your local coffee hut.)

I brushed my teeth with Khiel's Extra Extra Whitening Tooth Gel which always perks up my smile and is so affordable if you swipe the un-used tubes from your friend's homes...mine never seem to notice. I checked the progress of my crow's feet and noted they had retreated another .000001 millimeter --YAHOO! The best treatment for crow's feet is La Prarie Creme de la D'Argent, it is tres expensive so again, use your friends...I simply carry a small jar in my purse so that I can swipe a dollop, I do not recommend swiping the whole jar as some people seem to have a problem admitting they misplaced the $300 jar and may become overly suspicious and/or territorial about you using their bathrooms.

After completing my "toilet" I consulted my stylist for wardrobe advice. I have a friend who downloaded the VOGUE stylist app on her IPhone - which allows her to interface with a VOGUE approved clothes jockey. My friend is very insecure about color and once paired a green polka dot chemise with purple tights...Quel Horror...I made sure she immediately downloaded this app -- friends do not let friends look stupid. Every morning I snap a pic of my outfit and email it to her asking if I look stupid, she runs it through the VOGUE stylist and emails me back the suggestions. Yesterday was a Missoni day paired with Manolos. I call it my M&M day...he he. This is one area where I most strenuously do not recommend swiping from friends but there is nothing wrong with borrowing clothes that are left at your house. Hopefully you are lucky like me and have friends who wear gorgeous clothes in your size and love to party until they pass out on your couch. This makes it very easy to remove the desired item of clothing and replace it with something old from your closet, a friend would not let a friend barf all over a Missoni! Wake your friend early to ensure a sufficiently wicked hang over and point to the plastic fake barf you placed on the floor telling her not to worry she must not be ashamed of barfing all over your priceless Oriental rug and please, please don't try to clean it up again, while pointing to the Missoni (partially laying under the plastic fake barf.) Have the cab waiting and push her out the door with air kisses and assurances that she can return your clothes later. This technique is good for at least one or two outfits per friend, depending upon their drinking habits and clothes budget - so don't push it. But, I do have one friend who is hopelessly wealthy and drunk, and doesn't even remember when she leaves her suitcases at my home! How lucky is that! (God, I hope LiLo doesn't read this.)

Then it was off for a day of shopping with a friend. My dear dear Alexandra Gordon, I have known her since my stay in rehab. She, unfortunately, recently lost her eyesight backstage in a concert accident...I can't share the details as there was a confidential settlement but to dispel any conjecture or speculation, I will say there were absolutely no drugs involved, not any drugs, at all, none, and I wasn't anywhere near her when it happened. As it is awfully hard to spend money you can't see and friends must help friends have it easier in life, the least I can do is spend it for her. We meet once a week and cruise the shops. I act as her eyes and accountant. She is truly a sweetheart and insists on paying my way.

I did get quite winded after all the getting in and out of the limo so Alexandra and I stopped by an exclusive spa tucked away in the corner of an old celebrity hideaway. (I would tell you the name but even I do not know it as it is members only but I will say the entrance is not a golden door or a bamboo Buddha.) We spent a relaxing four hours being rubbed, scrubbed, polished and shined, and called it a day. I loaded up my enormous handbag with all the small toiletry items stocking the locker room and this lovely little thingy (see picture above) which I will re-gift this Christmas.

Then it was back to the hacienda where I heated up the leftovers from lunch. When I am treated for lunch, I usually order a pasta dish with something else -- which I eat first, then after a few nibbles of the pasta, get it boxed up to take home as it reheats beautifully. Then it was time for the clubs where I drank other people's drinks while they danced (I recommend using your own straw, just tuck it away in your hair, everyone will think it is a hair accessory.) I usually run into one or two of my drunk friends, and depending upon what they are wearing, one will come back to my place where they pass out on the couch....

I hope you can make use some of my suggestions and have a wonderful day. MUHWAW MUHWAW (those are air kisses.)

Magpie Five


“Nominated for the Tangled Field Poetry Award in 1952.” A newspaper cutting lay on the bed between the poet and her visitor. “You see, I was known, I was read, I was writing, I simply was...well, more than this.” Edie shook her turbaned head and took a drag on a long pearl holder burning a small cigarette. She exhaled, tonguing the smoke as it curled out her nostrils. Edith laughed at the memory, triggering a phlegmy cough and self-consciously waving away the offer of tissue from her visitor.

“This is... this is my addiction.” Edie grimaces a small smile. “Always Mother chided me. Smoking will kill you Edith, she said that every time I had a cigarette. Smoking will kill you. Well, what won’t kill you! We all will get killed eventually, some of us are lucky enough to die naturally, at the whim of our own organs...they simply shut down, can’t do their job anymore, so it’s finito! The unlucky ones are the ones who are killed by other people's organs. Imagine having a brain that tells you to kill someone, how hideous that must be... or driving a car as your own brain is seized by a stroke -- a brain desperately trying to shut you down -- and in your disruption you drive into Mrs. Spencer, your neighbor, and squash her flat. Mrs. Spencer’s organs must have risen in bloody revolt at that interference with their genetic plans.” Edie closes her eyes for a brief time, her cigarette burning a blue tail twisting to the ceiling. “We are all programmed for death, and but for our interfering neighbors, we could easily fulfill our own destiny. I used to tell Mother, my organs better kill me before they kill someone else!”

Edie took another drag and let the smoke slowly curl up out of her mouth as she simultaneously inhaled through her nose, her breath spinning like a sensuous blue Ferris wheel. “I just told Mother... Mother, you must understand, I am simply bad. I have smoked since I was in diapers, I have done everything wrong but the Lord just doesn’t want me up there yet.”

Edie crushed the cigarette out in the palm of a carved wooden hand she used for an ashtray. “Mother was killed by our neighbor, Mrs. Spencer, who had a stroke driving home from the doctor.” Edie reaches up and twists her turban tighter around her head, self-consciously tucking in non-existent hair and for a moment, watches the drip of the IV into her arm.

TAKING RISKS

What risks did you take today? Where did you push the envelope? I pushed, a big, huge, envelope, called "you just can't do that!!!!" This societal mantra was embedded in my brain very young; my generation of Catholic girls born in the 60's was singled out by the Vatican for in depth guilt trips necessitated, obviously, by our original sin. Ha, I would love to see Sister William's face (my first grade teacher) after taking a look at these:)

MAGPIE FOUR

Channel Five News at Five O’Five:
Dan Scout and Teresa Terse Reporting:

Dan (grinning like a baboon): Good Evening and Good 505! Dan Scout and Teresa Terse for the 505 team!

Teresa (left eyeball rotated slightly to the right and also grinning): Thanks Dan, and a good evening to our 505 team...don’t be shy, wave everyone! (As the cameras move up and down in semblance of a camera wave, the news anchors heads are chopped off repeatedly.)

Dan (gesticulating the quotation marks): We have “breaking news” tonight that elephant enthusiasts have discovered an ancient elephant carving, whose, or should I say “its” “nose” “honker” “proboscis” “ sewer smeller” “double barreled shit detector” “pneumatic peanut picker” “nostrilian thrombosis”...

Teresa (reaching over and grabbing Dan’s double barreled shit detector, twisting it, while smiling into camera front): Yes Dan, you are so right, but as usual, so sadly miss-spoken. As most of our viewers know, Ivory is an animal product, grown by elephants in Africa and Asia in biologic formations commonly known as Tusks. Not to be confused with the really bad Album by Fleetwood Mac. Some cultures believe ivory has medicinal value, most illogically the belief that ivory powder ingested orally can induce thrombastic erections and/or grow hair where you want it to sprout...

Teresa’s monologue is interrupted by Dan noisily picking up his dropped prompter sheets, shuffling and stacking them together, and as she gives him the evil eye, Dan jumps in: Oh, so sorry TERSE.eeeesa...Back to the news, for those you who do not understand large carved ivory elements, this is a primer: The carved object you see before you is not, as commonly thought, an example of Scrimshaw. This specimen is in fact an early tool of early things, named a Screwshaw. A Screwshaw was an early prototype screwdriver from ancient history populated by literal beings, where screws, aka nails with ridges, were pounded into the object instead of being twisted, hence the linear engraving on the early Screwshaw example posed above, which as you can see, has no conical elements. In contrast, Scrimshaw consists of drawings done by really bored sailors on pieces of whale bones, the dirty and routine work being relieved somewhat by dancing the hornpipe or keel-hauling a drunken sailor. The extreme boredom led sailors to engage in the risky dance of the hornpipe, which depending upon the lilt of the deck and the direction of the wind, blew some of them young laddies into the briny brink. Binge drinking was also high on the list of favored past times and spewing competitions were frequent albeit messy.....

Teresa has had enough, takes her shoe off and whacks Dan about the head, and as he cowers, arms flailing to fend her off, the camera crew signal their assent by moving the cameras up and down.
Stay tuned for the news at 10:05.